being vegan is phat (code for ...i am being a fat vegan)

I have always been puzzled by this North American taboo of speaking about weight. My Persian family spoke very openly about weight.

Maryam, you are too skinny
Maryam, you are too fat
You need to eat less
You have a round face...its nice...but not with that extra chin!
You need to exercise more

These comments (both very direct and not-so-direct) were thrown around my family residence growing up. So having Ecuadorean people overtly comment on my weight was not a shock to the system. My friends commented on my weight. My boss commented on my weight. My colleagues at work commented on my weight. And the dude I was dating even went as far as to say “maryam, you are heavy” (direct translation). He may have meant it jokingly, but I had never heard his tone be any more serious.

I find that in many cultures—many non-North American cultures—it is not taboo to comment on someone’s weight. In Canada, however, it is! And for that reason, when a Canadian overtly comments on my weight....

John, my bake-atarian friend, picked me up for dinner today. When he showed up I was hanging out on the couch in my ever-so-forgiving sweat pants, and I naturally welcomed him to take a seat. We brainstormed restaurants that would be able to satisfy his manly craving for meat and sports, and my forgetful craving for vegan cuisine.

We decided on a sports bar and i got up to get dressed. Realizing that I had worn the exact same outfit for the entire week, i decided to get into a different pair of pants. A tighter pair of pants. A tighter pair of pants with a different belt.

“John, I gained a belt loop since I’ve been here. This sucks! All this eating out!”

John continued to be his usual insensitive self, and push me towards the door so that we could eat out. We headed to Fanatics, where I knew he would just look at the TV screens airing hockey games* and that I would be doomed if they didn’t have veggie burgers...since that was the only vegan menu item i could imagine at a sports bar

To my luck, they did have veggie burgers, or as Fanatics named them the Tree-Hugger Burger. This struck a chord....not only does it typecast all vegetarians and vegans as Tree-huggers, but anyone part of a non-beef-eating religion now falls under the tree-hugger category. Sorry folks, but the sports bar in Kingston says you are a tree-hugger. They must be right. There is no possible way that you could potentially be vegetarian or vegan for simply journalistic-type reasons. NOPE! You are definately a tree-hugger!

If being surrounded by my carnivorous friend and hockey games (which i confess now...do NOT entertain me) was not enough, he decided to order an ice-cream sundae with a brownie. Since I had not declared bake-atarianism, I would not be able to join him in his deserting delight.

The waitress asked if she should bring out two spoons.
“Just one.” John knew very well that because of my vegan month of blogging, I would not be going for any desert, but that wasn’t how he came off. Now, not only was John the rude dude who brought the girl to a sports bar and watched hockey games the entire night, he also was the rude dude who didn’t share.

The waitress brought out desert and brought two spoons. “I brought two spoons just in case she wanted to sneak in a bite or two.”
“Oh no. She won’t do that. She just realized today that she gained a belt loop.”

WOW! Now mind the sports pun...but that TOTALLY came out of left field!**

I began laughing, knowing (hoping) very well that John was kidding. The waitress, however, was not present for my previous belt-loop comment. We looked over at the waitress to see her reaction. Never have I seen a more awkward laugh come out of such a charismatic person. She gave her puzzled smile and “heh heh” and fled the scene of the crime.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH SHE FELT SO UNCOMFORTABLE IT WAS SO EFFIN HILARIOUS AHAHAHAHAHA

While the comment was made in good fun, and I wasn’t insulted....there were a few things that may have worked against John:
1. He ordered desert and made a point of asking for only one spoon (i.e. none for her)
2. He made sure that it was public knowledge that his dinner date had to tone down on the deserts.
3. He didn’t even finish the desert (i.e. there was clearly enough to share)
4. He asked for one bill at the end of the meal...and he didn’t pay it. (The conversation may have gone a little something like this “Together or separate?” “Together...and give it to her!***)

Every waitress who walked by the table gave him weird and funny looks.

“Maryam, I can never come back here now. They must think i am a huge jerk. We need to tip our waitress well.”

“You mean...i need to tip her well?”

Special notes (please read after the entire post)
*I didn’t actually think that all he would do was watch the hockey game...but he ended up watching it more than i thought he would...which still wasn’t that much
**We actually agreed beforehand that he would make some sort of belt loop comment...we wanted to see the waitress’s reaction
***The conversation didn’t go like that ...but it may have