so that is why some people hate planes...

ever since i can remember, my mom has been afraid of flying. the moment the plane begins moving away from the gate she will turn to me, "are you okay? you sure? its okay, maryam. don't worry." what began as frantic undertones always overpowered any sense of motherly tenderness that she tried to express through her words, but her actions did more than anything. she would put both hands firmly on the armrest, sit back upright so that every vertebra was glued to the back of her seat. she would look up to the sky and start taking long deep breaths. she always hated being off the ground and hated flying. i am slowly learning that she has passed this hatred of flying onto me.

i hate airports! a lot!!! sometimes i feel that they (the system, big brother, THE MAN.....whatever you decide to name the big bad airport gods) put all of the rudest, most uncomprimising, and bitter people in one building. Then they folded them in with incredibly stressful situations. They also didnt forget to put in a tablespoon of long line-ups, overpriced coffee and trail mix, and duty-free shops. then take that mixture and sautee it in long security line-ups, metal detectors, provisions on everything you can and cannot put in your carry-on and/or check-in baggage, and a union of airport staff paid to catch 23-year old persian girls from trafficking drugs and bringing in illegal arms to hijack a plane (good to know my tax dollars are going into catching real criminals)...and there you have it...your base for an international airport.
To add your own icing on the cake for personal flair:

-totem poles in Vancouver

-scottish plaid in Halifax

-inconvenient ground transportation in Toronto

AIRPORTS! YEAHYEAHYEAH!

i dont really know exactly what made me hate airports so much. it may have begun when i was 16 and they wanted to put me in a room to "take care" of me when i was travelling alone. they made me sit on the airplane until all the "real" passengers had left, and they escorted me out along with an 8 year old. or maybe it was when they tried to lift my arm to search me when i physically couldnt lift my shoulder because i had just had shoulder surgery. or maybe i just had enough when the customs officer accused me of carrying drugs when he found an unmarked sudafed tablet (even though i told him it was the morning after pill...or did i tell him it was to prevent STIs? whatever.....i made him feel uncomfortable nontheless). i dont know what it is...but i hate flying..and it is because of the airports.

i havent been in an airplane since the end of february which, for me apparently, is a long time. i had to fly to ottawa for work (dont ask..they refused to send me by train which has a much less harmful affect on the upper layers ..and most sensitive layers... of our amosphere, not to mention a form of travel with less securitymeasures) and so i was quickly put back in the aerosphere.

i was flying porter air...which was a new and semi-pleasant experience. they made most of my travel very painless (other than the security of course). Free coffee, wine, chocolate chip cookies, juice, pop, biscotti, pretzels, cappuccinos, lattes, AND veggie chips....all freee and unlimited!! WOW! now that is amazing!! All fun and dandy! yes... i think porter air is far superior to any other airline; however, you still need to use an airport...so it still has a loophole. (nothing is THAT good to be true!)

It started at the checkout counter.
"Hi, how are you?"
"Very well thank you."
"Where are you flying to?"
"Ottawa."
"The 615pm flight?"
SHIT! 615pm didnt sound familiar. This is bringing me back to the time I showed up at a ticket counter just to find out that my flight left at 715AM and not PM...effin 24 hour clocks.
My jaw dropped and i gave him my typical please tell me you are effin joking look.
"Or the 730pm?"
Thank goodness!
"Yep."
"Okay, now do you have any..." this is where the people at the counter take a large breath and a puff of their inhaler if necessary--"sharp items, narcotics, alcohol, liquids, gels, flammables, combustibles, semicombustibles, squishy items, fuzzy items, anything in semi-solid state, anything with barium in it, weapons, weapons of mass destruction, illegal items, illegal animals, invasive species...anything purple?"
"umm....yes. should i specify which category?"
"nope, just check it in."

That was not the actual conversation, but you get an idea for the level of ridiculousness...on a scale of 1 to 10 it is an "i swear to buddha!!"

I was all prepared to check in my bag with all its gelly and fuzzy items when i realized that i was stupid enough to pack my laptop. So i take out my laptop (for fear of those fuzzy items damaging my 600$ birthday present...expensive gift--cheap laptop) and realize i need to carry it because my actual carry in is a tiny little bag that fits nothing but my wallet and a camera..how unfunctional. thats right..i want to pack light, so i bring needless crap.

not dwelling on this. then goes security. now what gets me miffed is that i am getting searched very thoroughly when travelling between two cities i could bike between. give me some paniers and i would deal with the week-long bike ride before this sh*t anyday! i am instructed to take my jacket off, my hat off, my shoes off, my jewlery off (nose ring is staying IN or YOU are dealing with the blood and tears that make it look like only the left side of my body got a tooth pulled out), and to remove the change from my pockets and the iron out of the spinach i ate that day. i walk through the metal detector BEEP BEEP BEEP!! all the guards look at me and point with an angry and emphasized straight arm...GO BACK!!

FRANTICLY ....i put my hands to my head and with an upset look "im not a criminal, i just forgot to take off my belt!" i took off my belt, walked through.....spent 20 minutes getting ready to get on a plane...and entered the waiting room.

that is where i saw it....the cappuccino machine!!! the spotlight shone down and i elbowed a stuardess to get to the cappuccino machine before i could grab a second breath. i pressed the button and the heavenly humms came from the cappuccino machine. and there it was...a FREE cappuccino. dont things always taste better when they are free??

okay...so that last paragraph totally didnt happen!

What really happened: i walked past the security, grumpy that i was sillly enough to try to pack my laptop (as dinky as it may be) in my check-in bag. i saw the cappuccino machine and waited my turn in the linup of business-women and men waiting for their cappuccinos. i was the only one in their with a baseball cap and DEFINATELY the only in their with ripped jeans. i had character. i made my cappuccino in an attempt to fit in with all the classy-drink drinkers, and my cup overflowed. i casually picked up my cappuccino..after all..it wasnt my fault, and watched a lady walk by and clean it up. i pressed the same button as everyone else.

umm....what else happened...meh...nothing funny...i carried around my laptop while others carried around their briefcases. dorks!

the end.

i hate airplanes